On My Own
by flawlessario
Summary: Ever since that day Hanna hadn't left the house, not even for a manicure or a haircut. Spanna.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Just testing this out!

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Ever since that day Hanna hadn't left the house. Not even for a manicure or a haircut , which was showing. She was distraught, the death of Caleb had been sudden and the return of A was unexpected. But something about Hanna was strange. She was distant from everyone, even a year after the death. Avoiding her friends where possible, even at school. She went home for lunch and rarely came back, she spent a lot of time in the girls bathroom and the library had became one of her best friends. It wasn't just Caleb's death that had made her like this, something she's been stuck with for a while had been teasing her and that day it made it's appearance - the only way she could deal with it. Aria , Spencer and Emily finally decided today was the day they were going to drag Hanna out the house and make her do something productive. Mrs Marin had let them in , saying thank you they all began walking towards Hanna's room, Aria, Spencer then Emily following behind.

Hanna sat on her bed admiring the little bumps as she ran her finger along her hip. The feeling was strange yet somehow comforting. She didn't hear the footsteps of her friends walking up the stairs, reaching over to her second draw on the left side of her bed. As she held the familiar object to her wrist, she went numb, everything went numb. Her vision was blurred only focusing on the razor.

Aria was the faster of the lot as she was the first to open the door, what she saw made her freeze. She watched as her best friend dragged the razor across her wrists as tears began falling onto the small opening. Not knowing what to do , Aria ran to Hanna , grabbing the razor before she was able to do more harm. Spencer and Emily froze at the door, trying to gather up their thoughts.

"H-han" Spencer finally said walking over to the blonde , who stared at Aria. Aria tried not to show herself crying as she held onto the razor , feeling the blood of her friend on her hand. Spencer wrapped an arm gently around Hanna. Hanna looked down at the floor , emotionless and numb. She was never going to be good enough for anyone , her friends , but most importantly Spencer. The warmth of Spencer's arms around her was comforting and she felt a familiar feeling at her touch. Emily walked over to Aria , comforting the fragile girl. No one in the room knew what to say leaving an awkward silence between the girls. The sudden pain of the small cut reached Hanna as she stood up quickly but immediately being pulled down my Spencer.

"I need to clean it." Hanna said , her voice groggy like she had just woken up.

"I will." Spencer walked to the bathroom to get the first-aid kit. Emily looked down at Aria who has holding the razor tightly in her hand. The small girl was in shock from what she had saw her friend doing.

"Aria?" Emily whispered softly kissing her head. Aria dropped the razor and ran over to Hanna , hugging her as tight as she could. Tears ran down Hanna's cheek hearing Aria cry. She realised what she was doing and it hurt her to see her friends like this. But knowing it was her fault Aria and her friends were crying was because of her , putting more pressure on the girl to stop. Spencer returned and knelt in front of Hanna taking the blonde's wrist gently in her hand.

"It's going to hurt." Spencer said as she slowly wiped the blood with an anti-bacterial wipe. Hanna winced and pulled her arm away quickly but Spencer grabbed her arm again. Emily pulled Aria off Hanna and rocked her slowly in her arms. No one had seen Aria like this and it killed them inside.

"It's all my fault , i'm sorry." Hanna whispered as she watched Aria who continued to cry. Aria shook her head and wiped her tears.

"It saddens me to know you've been going through this alone. But you know we are all here for you Han, always." Aria nodded to each of the girls as they smiled at Hanna. Hanna knew they'd always be there for her but it was hard to tell them about this. They wouldn't understand why she hurts herself. It doesn't even hurt anymore.

"Can you stay over? I-i dont want to be alone" Hanna coughed and held her arm close to her chest as Spencer finished cleaning. They all nodded and sat around Hanna,hugging as tight as they could.

Hanna laid awake on her bed looking up at the ceiling. The stinging of the earlier cut kept her awake. This always happened so she was used to it. Hanna sat up slowly and looked at Spencer , who was asleep beside her.

"Han?" Spencer whispered as she felt Hanna climb over her to get out of bed. _Shit. _Hanna whispered to herself as she continued to sneak out of the bedroom. The house was lit with christmas lights which made Hanna sigh. She didn't want to be here at all because she felt like she was draining the happiness from everyone. Hanna slowly walked down stairs running her fingers along the lights that decorated the staircase. Spencer rubbed her eyes trying to wake herself up, she stood up and walked quietly out the room trying not to disturb her other friends. Spencer saw Hanna sat at the bottom of the stairs who was staring at the mirror opposite.

"Hanna?" Spencer said her voice groggy. This made Hanna jump and look at her friend.

"Sorry i woke you." Hanna mumbled and looked back at the mirror. Spencer saw the tears in Hanna's eyes and immediately run to sit beside Hanna.

"What's wrong?" She frowned and wrapped her arm around the fragile blonde. Hanna tried her hardest not to cry but she couldn't hold it in anymore, she had bottled everything up for too long. Spencer rocked Hanna as she cried into her shoulder.

"I dont want to be _here" _She said through her tears. Spencer's heart broke.

"I'll do everything to keep you alive. I'll stay with you until you're better, stronger. I love you Hanna." They both sat there until the sun rose. Hanna had fallen asleep in Spencer's arm and Spencer wasn't far off from passing out. Slowly , Spencer picked Hanna up and carried her upstairs to her bed. Spencer looked at the clock , it was 6am. She climbed into bed beside Hanna and held her close as she slowly fell asleep.

"Hey Aria" Hanna said as she noticed her friend looking at her. Aria smiled and hugged her friend.

"Morning, how do you feel?" Aria asked sitting beside Hanna on the bed. The blonde rubbed her eyes and sat up , smiling slightly. The first genuine smile in a while.

"Good , a little tired, but good." She nodded and looked at Spencer, who was fast asleep.

"What time is it?" Hanna looked at the small bandage on her wrist and frowned as memories of the night before flooded back in her mind.

"10am, Spencer doesn't like to lie in so sh!" Aria smiled and laid her head on her friends shoulder. She was so happy she was alright but knew she wouldn't be like this for long. Emily walked in with a tray of food , careful not to wake Spencer she sat on the bed beside Aria and Hanna.

"Bon appetit!" Emily said as she held the tray. Spencer sat up from the smell of food and they all laughed.

"Whats for breakfast?" Spencer said kneeling behind her friends. Her eyes widened as her eyes laid on the array of breakfast food Emily had prepared.

"Hands off , Hanna's choice first!" Emily said smacking Spencer's hand away. Hanna and Aria laughed as Spencer rubbed her hand.

"Hey be nice!" Spencer pouted and sat back.

As the girls finished their breakfasts , they sat back and stared out the window enjoying the silence between them. Hanna was happy - but for how long would this feeling last?


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: short because I have no ideas on how to carry this on :( ideas would be greatly appreciated! **

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This had to be the first day in a while Hanna had left the house. Even if it was only to go to Spencer's, it was still out. Hanna walked around Spencer's room admiring the organisation, slowly Hanna ran her hand across the rocking chair placed in the corner of the room.

"Can I?" She asked looking over to Spencer who was concentrated on the blonde.

"What's it like?" She asked. As Hanna took a seat she noticed Spencer studying her, laughing, Hanna said "It's impossible to explain." Hanna rocked slowly in the chair playing with the bow Aria tied around the bandage, she was the artsy one.

"Try." Spencer said sitting forward. For a moment Hanna closed her eyes, then took a breath as she began talking.

" You're fine, perfectly fine. Then overnight it hits you like a ton of bricks and you cant escape. All it takes is one second and it all comes crashing down, pulling you in with a million reasons as to why you're not good enough. It covers your mouth so you can't talk to anyone, grabs hold of the places you're the most insecure and squeezes them, making them hurt even more. It all gets darker in a split second." Hanna took a deep breath pulling her knees to her chest as a familiar feeling came across her. Spencer seemed intrigued as she walked over to Hanna. Hanna lifted her head up to look at her friend.

"Hanna Marin, you are perfect." Although it was only a few words, they meant the world to Hanna, especially because they came from Spencer. The brunette took Hanna's fragile hand in hers and softly kissed it. It sent shock waves through Hanna.

Spencer managed to get Hanna to make herself more presentable. The tall brunette waited by the bathroom door while Hanna got changed. Both knew Spencer's clothes would be tight on the chest area, due to the fact Spencer had the chest of '12 year old boy', but as Hanna looked in the mirror she couldn't help but cry. The shirt clung to her stomach, showing what she thought was fat and showing a few old cuts placed just above her waist line. A feeling of dread washed upon Hanna causing her to fall back onto the edge of the bath. She studied her face in the mirror.

"Han you ready?" Spencer knocked at the door trying to open it.

"Y-yeah." Hanna wiped her eyes and put on a smile as she opened the door. Spencer's eyes were drawn to the blood seeping thought the bottom of the shirt she had leant to Hanna. Oblivious to the fact Spence realised what she has just done, Hanna continued to smile and walk further into Spencer's room.

"I think we should stay here, just us two. I'll order take out and we can watch a movie in bed." Spencer kicked off her shoes and climbed onto her bed motioning for Hanna to sit beside her.

"I thought we were going shopping?" It was Hanna's favourite past time and she considered it a sport. It wasn't until Hanna sat down when she realised why Spencer suggested to stay in. Spencer placed a hand on Hanna's.

"I'm sorry" The blonde said. For once Spencer was at a loss for words, so not knowing what to say, she leant forward and placed a light kiss on the blondes tear stained cheer, lingering for longer then needed. A smile crept upon Hanna's lips and she pulled Spencer into a hug.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Thanks to _GiveMeJustAMinute_ for giving me the ideas to carry this story on! Enjoy! **

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Spencer and Hanna were laying on the bed, in total, but comfortable silence. Spencer had her fingers laced with Hanna's and occasionally she'd glance at the blonde to make sure she was okay.

"Can I?" Spencer broke the silence causing Hanna to jump. Hanna blinked quickly before looking at Spencer.

"Huh?" Hanna was nearing the stage of falling asleep meaning she was in a state of confusion. Spencer was a little nervous to ask, but knew this was the only way she could help her friend.

"Can I look at your," Spencer motioned to Hanna's hip with their intertwined fingers, "cut?" Spencer whispered the last word. Surprisingly Hanna agreed and used her free hand to lift her shirt up, revealing the fresh cut. Spencer gasped at the sight before her. The brunette propped herself up beside Hanna and lightly ran her index finger across the dry blood.

"Oh Hanna," Spencer whispered and glanced up towards her friend, who had closed her eyes in fear of any tears escaping. Spencer rushed to the bathroom looking for her first-aid kit. Hanna opened her eyes and watched Spencer. _You're too much trouble, Hanna, stop it. _The voice in her head repeated these words which was nothing new to Hanna; everyday these voices would tell her how worthless she was.

"You know how much this hurts, so squeeze my hand, okay?" Spencer placed the kit on her bedside table, knowing they may need it again. Spencer ripped the top of the packet and pulled out an antibacterial wipe. She tried her hardest to make it hurt less for Hanna, but had no luck.

"Hey hey, don't cry." Hanna's breath hitched and tears rolled down her cheek as the antibacterial wipe cleared the dry blood from her hip.

"Sorry," Hanna managed to speak without it sounding croaky. After Spencer had a placed a band-aid on the sterilized cut, she sat beside Hanna. For a moment she just stared at the blonde, admiring the dimples on her cheeks as she smiled, smiling at the slight turn in Hanna's blue eyes, cherishing the most perfect imperfections. Spencer saw Hanna's smile grow bigger and the dimples appear deeper. That's when she realised she was staring. Hanna laughed slightly as Spencer looked away, her eyes being drawn to the faint scars on Hanna's arm.

"How about you sleep over? For as long as you want." Spencer could see Hanna didn't want to talk anymore about her harming.

"Would your family adopt me?" Hanna once again laughed, causing Spencer to as well.

"We can walk, i know a short cut." Spencer stood up and slipped on her shoes, she held a hand out to Hanna.

"I may not be myself, but i still hate walking." Hanna groaned and took Spencer's hand, she re-laced their fingers and smiled.

"It's not that long, i promise." Spencer rolled her eyes playfully and the pair walked downstairs.

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"It's not that long, i promise!" Hanna mocked Spencer's voice. Although they had been walking for a couple of minutes, to Hanna it felt like hours. Spencer pulled Hanna along as they walked through some bushes.

"Okay, firstly, I don't talk like that, secondly, we're here." Spencer pulled away from Hanna's grip and crossed her arms.

"Yeah yeah," Hanna copied Spencer as she crossed her arms. These are the little things Hanna loved. "now come help me with my stuff!" To Hanna, it was great to forget about things for a while, to just be with her best friend.

"I'll regret being nice later." Spencer mumbled and reluctantly followed Hanna into her house. Spencer stood by the bottom of the stairs staring at Hanna as she ran up. She was cut out of her stare by a loud coughing. Spencer looked towards the kitchen where Mrs Marin stood.

"Hello Spencer." Mrs Marin smiled and walked over to the brunette. Spencer wasn't usually nervous around her friend's parents, but she wanted to impress Hanna's.

"Hey Mrs Marin." Spencer slowly uncrossed her arms and smiled. Before things could get awkward, Hanna ran downstairs dragging a bag behind her.

"Where you going?" Mrs Marin asked looking at the large bag behind her daughter.

"I'm staying at Spencer's, she's helping me with a project." Spencer noticed Hanna struggling with the bag and rushed to help her.

"Again?" Mrs Marin shook her head and walked back to the kitchen. "By the way you've spent this much time together, I'm starting to think you and Spencer are up to something." She laughed while Hanna and Spencer just glanced at each other.

"We should go." Spencer said carrying the bag down the last few steps. Hanna nodded and opened the front door for Spencer.

"Bye!" Hanna yelled and quickly closed the door behind her. Spencer placed the bag over her shoulder so she was able to take the blonde's hand as they walked back to the Hastings'.

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"Is that really what it looks like?" Hanna asked. She sighed and placed her bag at the end of Spencer's bed.

"I hope not." Spencer mumbled but Hanna figured out the words.

"Oh, right." Hanna kicked off her shoes and laid back.

"No, wait! I meant, i don't want people assuming we're doing things just because i'm gay. It's not fair on you." Spencer crossed her arms and looked at Hanna. "And that's my side." Spencer thought she could lighten the mood and by the look of Hanna's face it worked.

"You're helping me, i don't care what people think." Hanna smiled and turned on her side to face Spencer. "Plus, girls will be extremely jealous that i get to spend all of my time with the hottest girl in Rosewood." Hanna winked.

"That's the Hanna i know." Spencer laughed and fell back on the bed beside Hanna. Hanna scooted closed to Spencer. She stared in her eyes for a moment before speaking.

"Thanks Spence." Hanna closed her eyes and rested her head on Spencer's shoulder.

"Anything for you." Spencer smiled and hesitantly wrapped an the blonde's waist. As Spencer felt Hanna's breathing slow down, she closed her eyes knowing Hanna was asleep.

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When Spencer opened her eyes, she expected Hanna to be laying beside her. But all she saw was an empty space. Quickly, Spencer jumped off and ran to the bathroom.

"Han?" Spencer's voice sounded desperate as she searched the bathroom. No sign of Hanna. She even checked in the closet hoping Hanna would be organising Spencer's clothes.

"What?" Hanna said walking up behind Spencer, causing the brunette to sigh in relief.

"Where were you?" Spencer pulled Hanna into a tight embrace.

"I couldn't sleep so i got a drink." Hanna mumbled against Spencer's shoulder trying to pull away.

"Are you okay now?" Hanna managed to pull away from Spencer's grip and nodded.

"I'm just nervous for today. A probably found out and told the whole school." Hanna sighed and sat on the edge of Spencer's bed. "and I don't know if i can deal with everyone knowing." Spencer kneeled in front of Hanna and took her hand.

"If anyone dares to say anything, i will crush their scones." Spencer smiled and Hanna laughed quietly. "Now get dressed and look flawless."


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Once again a big thank you to _GiveMeJustAMinute_ for one special line in this!**

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As the two friends walked into the courtyard, Hanna tightned her grip on Spencer's hand. People had been staring, whispering and laughing at the pair as they walked through the halls which was starting to get to Hanna. Not wanting to make a fuss, Hanna put on a smile and walked closer to Spencer who noticed something was wrong.

"Han, are you okay?" Spencer stopped at a pilar by the courtyard pulling Hanna in front of her. Hanna looked around the courtyard as people began staring. They were pointing out her flaws, they knew, A had told them.

"I'm, i'm fine." Hanna smiled slightly and looked up at her taller friend.

"You'd tell me if something was wrong, right?" Spencer knew Hanna was lying by the slight twitch in her nose. Which was adorable.

"Right." Hanna looked down and laced her fingers with Spencer's other hand. Spencer took a step forward and placed a small kiss on the blonde's forehead.

"I mean what i said, i'll crush their scones." Hanna laughed and took a deep breath.

"Come on, we can't keep them waiting." Hanna pulled Spencer over to the middle of the courtyard where Aria and Emily were sitting. Emily raised an eyebrow at her two friends holding hands while Aria ran over to Hanna, hugging her tightly.

"Hanna!" Aria smiled as the sight of her best friend; back to herself.

"H-hey Aria." Hanna laughed softly and patted the small brunette's back. Spencer saw the belt of Aria's dress pressing against Hanna's waist and even though it was protected, she saw the pain it caused to Hanna.

"What about me? I need some loving!" Spencer tugged on Aria's dress trying to pull her away.

"Sorry." Aria laughed and hugged Spencer tightly. Hanna sighed in relief as Aria pulled away and smiled at Spencer. She mouthed "Thank you" as she took a seat opposite Emily.

"You okay?" Emily smiled. Hanna nodded and looked over at Spencer. There was something different about Spencer compared to Emily or Aria. The way Spencer cared for Hanna and how protective over her Spencer was. This time it was Hanna's turn to be caught staring.

"Woohoo, Hannaaa?"Spencer waved a hand infront of Hanna's face.

"Huh?" Hanna shook her head and bit her lip trying not to blush. Spencer laughed softly and sat beside her.

"Han i got a new ribbon for you!" Aria chirped and pulled a pink ribbon from her hair. Hanna smiled softly.

"Thanks." Aria motioned for Hanna to give Aria her hand. As Hanna lifted her hand, Spencer wrapped an arm around Hanna's waist to comfort her.

"We love you Hanna." Emily smiled as Aria tied the ribbon around Hanna's wrist. Hanna nodded and turned her head slightly as she heard people talking near by.

"I'm gonna get a drink, i'll be back." Spencer stood up. As Spencer walked off, the voices around Hanna got louder. She managed to pick out certain words like "Arm" and "Cut" which she knew they were referring to the visible cuts on her arm. Hanna frowned and picked up the jacket Spencer had left on the seat. She wrapped it around herself only to hear the voices increase in volume in her head.

"I-i need to go to the bathroom." Hanna grabbed her bag and rushed towards the nearest girls bathroom. She slammed her bag on the basin and rummaged through her bag for her make-up bag.

Spencer frowned as she noticed an empty space at the table.

"Where's Han?" Spencer looked around trying to see if she could spot Hanna.

"She went to the bathroom." Aria smiled oblivious to the frown on Spencer's face.

"I'll be right back." Spencer placed her coffee cup on the table and ran to the nearest bathroom.

"Hanna?" Spencer's eyes widened as she saw Hanna curled up in the corner of the bathroom. Her hands covered in foundation and what looked like eyeliner.

"What happened?" Spencer said softly and knelt beside her fragile friend. Slowly, Hanna looked up, revealing a mascara stained face.

"Everyone was talking about me. I-i could hear them." Hanna began crying again and Spencer wrapped her arms around Hanna.

"Oh Hanna." Spencer sighed, softly humming in Hanna's ear.

"They can see them." Hanna cried into Spencer's shoulder. Spencer frowned and pulled away, kneeling in front of the blonde.

"Listen, I love all of you Hanna, every bit you don't, every part you never could." Spencer took her sleeve and wiped the tears from her sobbing friend's face.

"And i don't care what they say about you, I love you and nothing will ever change that." Spencer sat back beside Hanna.

"I love you too, Spencer." Hanna mumbled as she rest her head on Spencer's legs. Spencer slowly ran her fingers through the blonde's locks and hummed to her to soothe her friend. After a few minutes of just sitting in silence, Spencer noticed Hanna's crying had stopped.

"Ready to go back out there?" Spencer tucked a lock of hair behind Hanna's ear so she could look at her properly. Hanna nodded and sat up, she wiped the black mascara lines from her face.

"Chin up, baby." Spencer whispered in Hanna's ear at they walked hand-in-hand to their table. Although people were staring, Hanna felt safe when Spencer was around.

"Everything okay?" Emily said looking up from her phone.

"Perfect." Hanna smiled looking at Spencer.

"Absolutely perfect." Spencer agreed.


End file.
